STOP ME MAKING MOVIES OF MYSELF

"Thought that maybe we'd fall in love over the phone
Thought that maybe I'd really love being alone
Everybody but Heaven knows how I was wrong"
Vicious World - Rufus Wainwright

Thought that I was gonna be depressed about this, but I surprised myself. A life isn't life when there isn't crossroad where you have to decide which way to go. And I came to yet another one, after encountering so many twists and turns in the past 2 years. My love life has been nothing less than tumultuous, even since I was in high school. I couldn't quite figure out why I can't seem to find a guy to have a steady relationship with like everybody else. It has always been either short and chaotic, or long and complicated, and both always ended up in painful heart breaks - for me or for the guys. I recently discovered something that might be the reason behind my failures in the love department. I wouldn't have been aware of this had I not have a good amount of time being single.

There's a pattern that I subconsciously keep making. Without realizing it, it keeps leading me to the same pathways, and eventually and unfortunately, this pattern always leaves me to the same place in the end. When it comes to matters of heart, I keep on making bad choices. I'm a level-headed person. Many people have told me that I've always been more mature beyond my age. There are very few occasions where I don't act calm and collected. Yet, my judgment in my own love life is often poorly made. I make reckless decisions, I don't listen to people and I often ignore my own instincts. It's not easy to admit this, but this is the only plausible explanation for what has happened all my life. Of course I didn't entirely rule out the possibilities that I've been involved with jerks - but who made the decision to go out with these jerks? Me. Who fooled herself into thinking that if you close your eyes and hold on tight, you can make even the worst relationship work? Me. Who took chances with these guys despite what people and instinct told her? Me and only me. I am not being hard on myself. This is just another reality that I have to learn to encompass and once I managed to be emotionally detached from this fact, I can see it as what it is. Another leaning process.

My relationship with Toshi was never intended to be long term. There are circumstances, that I am actually aware of from the start, that could prevent it from working smoothly. At first, I wanted to do exactly what I have been doing all this time. Ignore instincts. Abandon rationale. Screw other people. Go and go ahead. But I guess now I learned enough not to do that. I've suffered enough downfall from my own actions and I'm too afraid of the repercussions if I take another swing thoughtlessly. Maybe I'm being paranoid, but the voice inside me can not be ignored anymore. It wanted out, so I chose to get out.

I spent a few nights thinking about it. There was a faint grief reverberated inside of me at the thought of another "failure". There was a short moment of doubt, leading me to think that maybe I was wrong not to take a chance. Panic even set in momentarily when I realized that I will no longer refer to anyone as "my boyfriend". But now, as I'm sitting here in front of the computer on saturday night feeling peaceful and contented, I know that I've made the right decision. After all, right now, what sets me apart from being in a relationship and not being in one is a mere SMS asking me whether I've had my dinner. And my heart needs more convincing than that.

"And start giving me something
A love that is longer than a day
Start making my heart sing something that it doesn't want to say
I'm handing it over, I'm saying that you're the only one
Don't run for the border, turn that corner
Already you've run in movies of myself"
Movies of Myself - Rufus Wainwright

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS, BUT YOU GOTTA DO IT

I've been having problems sleeping lately and it's because I've been feeling like there is something missing in my life. I didn't know what it was until very recently it dawned on me that what I've been missing in my life is passion.

Yes, I don't have any passion for anything right now.

I work in marketing and do I like it? No. The longer I do it, the more I learn about this business, the more I dislike it. I go through my day one by one with no emotions attached to whatever I do and it's slowly killing me. I manage to do my work by weakly hanging on to evey bit of will and effort I have left in me. Which is probably why I am not doing as well as I did when I first started working in this business.

The biggest problem is, if you ask me what I'd rather do, I don't have the faintest idea on how to answer the question. I used to have dreams, big dreams, and honestly, I don't know where they've gone. All I can tell you is that I want to do something that I am passionate about. I want to be able to wake up in the morning, feeling excited about the day that lies ahead of me. I can't even remember the last time I really looked forward to something. I look at myself in the mirror and I know that I can no longer see that glint in my eyes. I want to be able to find that glint back.

I had a conversation with an old friend last week and he told me that he doesn't really like his job despite the fact that he is doing damn well in it. He might be holding an important position in the company he works for but he said that he refused to let his job be his entire life because he's not passionate about it. But he also told me that he does something else. When he steps out of his business suit and hides his cell phones in his drawer, he goes to the beach and he sails. He loves it so much that he began to undergo a proper sailing training and became one of Indonesia's national atheletes for this sport. His hobby is now becoming his passion. His passion is now his thing.

That's what I don't have in my life right now. A thing.

Okay, so it might not be what I do for a living, but how do I find that thing? Sometimes I envy people who know their things at the such an early stage of their lives. Musicians, writers, sportsmen, painters, photographers, designers - these people, most of them anyway, must know right from the beginning that they have talents for something therefore all they have to do is pursue their things. I'm not saying that they don't work hard to be really good at what they do or to achieve some acclaims, but hey...I'm not afraid of hard work, but where the heck should I begin if I don't even know what I'm good at?

I love music. I want to say that I'm passionate about music but all I do is listen to it. I can say that I'm really good at listening to music but that's like saying I'm really good at brushing my teeth, which is useless except the fact that I have a set of really clean teeth and a damn good collection of songs in my iPod. I can't play any instrument. I can carry a tune but it is hardly enough to qualify for an audition in Indonesian Idol without me embarassing myself.

I can write. But I can never imagine anyone wanting to publish any of my writing. My writing skill is mediocre and I would be the first one to admit it. Yes, I read some of the stuff that has been published recently and I sneered and said "I can write better than this". But I also read some of the other stuff that has been published recently and I can honestly say that I will not be able to write that well even if my life depends on it. The only thing I write professionally is copy for company's brochures and ads but again, that is not something that I'm passionate about because that belongs to the same category as my job. Marketing. No thanks.

I love movies but building a career in the industry I know nothing about is an outlandish idea.

I used to be a radio DJ and people have said that I was quite good at it but in my heart I know that I still wouldn't be satisfied doing it unless I have full control of the program and the music that I can play in it. And I'm not that good of a DJ to make such demands.

The list can go on forever.

I love being around passionate people. I love talking to people who are good at what they do and most importantly, people who love what they do. But I can't help feeling overwhelmingly jealous of them for knowing what they want in life and being able to pursue it. As I grow older, I know of some things that are overrated like PDAs or "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" but I learned that passion is not one of them.

I hate to sound like a whiner, but this is something that I need to figure out soon. I am on the brink of going completely numb. Yes, I'm fine. My bare necessities are covered plus I can afford to indulge in some fun from time to time, but I can't quiet down the voice in my head that says that there gotta be more to life than this. I'm 27 years old and I feel like I haven't done a single thing that can make me look back when I'm 50 and say to myself "You had a good life, Affi". I'm at a crossroad right now and the options are pretty obvious. Path A : I keep doing what I do and will probably build a fairly good career as I am on the right track for it, ignoring my nagging yearn for adventure and thrill for the sake of security or Path B : Giving up everything now and chase after my passion because fine simply isn't good enough.

Lord Byront, a great poet, said and I quote "Passion is the element in which we live, without it, we hardly vegetate". That is the state I want most to avoid : vegetating. And If I choose Path A, I'm afraid that it's the same as buying a one way ticket to that state.

I heard that this experience, this soul searching, is quite common for people at my age. Is it really? Can anyone who's roughly at the same age as I am, or who've been my age for that matter, tell me how you solve this maddening problem? Is there anyone I can talk to or anything I can do to help me find my thing? Any suggestion would be very much welcome.

Oh, and for people who are going through the same thing : contact me. Let's form a secret society and call it the "Fellowship of the Passionless" or something like that. Who knows, it might turn out to be our "thing".

FETUS POSITION

I miss my island. I miss it so much i want to cry.

Im in the city now. Wake up at 7 on the dot every single day, put on make up, get out of the house at exactly 8.45, get on the bike transport thing, go to the office and work my ass off. Every. Single. Day.

I like my job. really, I do. I am just not sure with the city. I think about my island in every motor ride in the morning, feeling distant and detach. It feels like a very long holiday in the city and that I'd go back eventually to the island after the holiday is over. And Im only at the beginning.

Im thinkin of the island now too. The people. The sun. The beach. The everything. I sat down today smoking at the fire exit (my office is non smoking facility) and texting my friends in Bali. There came a guy, my office colleague, sat on the stair and texting his friends. There we were, 2 people from the same office, sitting in silence, texting friends. How funny. How strange. So close yet so fuckin far away. I am in different space. From the outside looking in, observing the buzz, the phone rings, the click of computer keyboards, the forced smiles, the stolen gaze, the conversation that push me far out. I am in different area. I am not too keen to step into. Its all very strange. very foreign. I feel like wrapping myself in plastic. City people are just people. And Im nowhere but floating in between. I aint feeling it.

I miss my island. I miss it so much i want to cry.

A PRETTY SHITTY EXPERIENCE

Ipong has moved back to Jakarta...so the witches are now together again!

Hurrah! *trumpets blowing, confetti popping*

Ahem..anyway....

It's good to know my best friend is here. Not that I don't have any other friends here, I have plenty, but when you're 27 years old, Indonesian and female, the chance of hanging out with people who are also single enough to roam the city with no purpose every weekend is getting slimmer and slimmer. And that's precisely what Ipong and I do best.

So to officially welcome her to the city and also to print the first mark of our perpetual hedonistic movement in the capital, we decided to go clubbing last Saturday night. We were pleased to find that we were joined by our newly-single friend, Vera. Having recently been out of a dead-end relationship, Vera was also eager to go out and have a good time. So there we were. 3 single, attractive, young women strutting our stuff in the streets of Jakarta (cue : Sex & the City theme song, minus the Jimmy Choos, and the strutting actually because we didn't walk, we used a car so technically there wasn't any strutting...oh crap, turn off the stupid song!)

We had to go to a friend's wedding so we were all dolled up and ready to party. The only question left was where? It's been a looong time since the last time I went clubbing in Jakarta and Ipong too has completely lost touch with the city's hottest spots. Vera was no help either. Being in a serious relationship for her means that no clubbing was allowed unless she went with her bf (which is why she broke up with him but that's an entirely different story). Another friend of ours, upon hearing our little discussion, suggested that we go to this bar in Kemang called Second Floor. Vera and Ipong seemed pleased with this suggestion so off we went.

The bar was located on (you guessed it) the second floor of a restaurant in Kemang. It was packed with young people. And by young, I mean very young. Try high school. Yup. That young. The bar was small and narrow, with a long bar on the left side and a couple of plush chairs on the right. It was pretty cool actually, kinda reminded me of that bar in an old TV series "Cheers". We couldn't observe the place for too long because when we got there, Ipong was dying to pee so she dragged me to the bathroom while Vera found us a place at the bar. This is where things got shitty. Literally.

When we reached the bathroom, which was located at the end of the room, we found 2 doors, both locked. The left one was the Gents' and the right one was for the Ladies. Ipong could hardly stand still, she really really really had to pee. The person occupying the Ladies room was certainly taking her time because 5 minutes after waiting impatiently, she hadn't come out. Ipong at this point was cursing incessantly while I was trying to calm her down by telling her to NOT think about running water...or any water for that matter. Needless to say, because she wasn't thinking about running water before, my advice got her into thinking about it which made her closer to exploding right there and then. We finally gave up on being polite and started knocking on the wooden door. The person still hadn't come out. A beefy guy, who we presumed was the security guard of the bar, came to find out what was happening, and helped us motivating this toilet-hogging jerk to come out by banging on the door with his giant fist. It was another 5 minutes before the person in the Ladies room came out. And whaddayaknow? The person was a guy! This guy, who looked about 15 years old, walked out sheepishly, not wanting to look us in the eye, and scurried off to join his friends. Ipong and I quickly stormed into the toilet and locked the door behind us. I was giggling and telling Ipong "you know, if a guy used the Ladies room and took his time in here, there's no doubt what he was doing all that time" when Ipong screamed in horror at what she found floating inside the toilet bowl.

Hahahahahhahhahhahaaa....yep....it was....Oh My God, I couldn't even say the word. Let's just say that, not only my assumption was correct about what the guy was doing there, he apparently had some trouble flushing it down and so the mystery of why he took ages to come out was solved. Yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccckkkkkkk!!!

Anyway, we tried flushing the thing down albeit being completely grossed out by the whole scene, to no avail. The flush was broken. And remember people, Ipong really had to pee. So She did the unthinkable. What she did next probably scarred her for life and she has to live with it for the rest of her life until maybe one day she couldn't take the burden of carrying the ugly, filthy secret anymore and she has to call all of her children and granchildren to her death bed when she looks to each one of them with weary eyes and starts to speak in a shaken, trembling voice "I have something to tell you before it's too late...." and she finishes the story and shakes her head while tears rolling down her wrinkly face as her children and grandchildren gasped in horror.... (and yet, I am telling it in a website for millions people to read). Ipong peed anyway. Without flushing the thing down. And because I'm a brave soul and I wanted to be help my friend go through tough times (and I know Ipong would tell you anyway when she finds out I wrote this), I did it too.

It was gross. Gross gross gross. Gross. And I have no idea why weird stuff like this keeps happening to me and Ipong when we're together.

So after doing the dirty deed, we went out, feeling like we should take a shower, ordered our drinks and tried to forget about what we did in the bathroom. It was probably easier to do had the bar provided us with a good time, as our friend promised. But noooooooo, we had to endure 1 hour of bad songs, over-priced drinks, and more high school kids yakking and singing along to Chrisye's "Cinta" before we finally called it quits.

So much for painting the town red. We missed Bali.

NEW YEAR, NEW HOPES

Lose weight. Better career. Bigger salary. An apartment. Holiday in Spain. More friends. Flatter tummy. A boyfriend. A pink skin for my iPod mini. More free time to watch Dvds. Quit smoking. Do more yoga. Eat less carb. Pretty earrings. Stilla lipglosses. A complete range of Victoria Secret's Vanilla Lace bath and body products. Smaller thighs. Rufus Wainwright's Want Two album. A pink Honda Jazz. The ability to write better. Being able to fly to Bali anytime I want to. Patch things up with my dad. A Guess bag.

Those things that I want, they're inconsequential compared to the losses that the victims of the tsunami are suffering. My heart goes out to them and I wish there's more I could do than donating a measly sum of money.

I guess after giving it a thought, I don't need anything more in my life right now. I have everything that I need and I want to learn to always be grateful for what I have. If I could just wish for one thing, that would be peace and love for everyone in this chaotic world.

No more wars. No more disasters. No more innocent lives wasted. No more violence. No more hunger. No more children being hurt.

Is it too much to ask?